I usually don't write about personal issues on my blog. I know once I write it down it's out in the world for all to see. However, I have decided to share my feelings regarding church.
My church is a huge part of my life. I believe strongly in it and that is why I try to emulate my Savior in all I do. I feel that other people who share the same faith should do the same. We (as LDS) should be kind, loving, and forgiving to all people.
I grew up in Oregon, lived in Idaho, Utah, and California, and, for the longest amount of my adult life, New Mexico. My favorite ward was in California. Perhaps everyone loved us because it was the ward that Mark grew up in. It just seemed to be a unified ward with good families and people. I loved that ward. Mark and I hoped we would have the opportunity to live there again. But we were led elsewhere, and were grateful for our job in New Mexico.
It was exciting to finally begin our real adult lives. A child, home, and a real job all at once. The day after we arrived in Albuquerque we went to what we thought was our ward. Many people greeted us with enthusiasm and excitement to have a new family move in. After a few minutes a bishopric member realized we weren't in their ward. He helped us find what ward we were to attend. I was sad, but excited to attend our real ward. The reaction was completely different. A couple of people said hi and that was that. Later I would learn that we didn't have the socioeconomic status to prove our worth.
As the weeks past I noticed the people that moved in. There was a group of women in our ward who would bombard these new sisters in our ward - but only some new sisters. The ones with colored hair streaks, expensive clothing, newer cars. I noticed how others, who were more like me, were overlooked and never talked to. I overheard one of the wealthy sisters say to someone, "our ward is just like a little Utah." Yep, it was. I hated Utah for that reason. Your personal value is based on what earthly possessions you have.
It wasn't just this group of women that made it difficult to come to church. There were women who had horrible things to say about me, but ofcourse never to my face.
It bothered me that my value in a ward, that I had planned to live in for 30 + years, was based on appearances. In my mind "I mattered plenty". I decided to be the one that would change the ward. I sought people out who were lonely, didn't have many friends, and weren't included in the "cool" crowd. I have since decided that it is a losing battle. I can't change ideals or people, but I can help people feel that they are loved, wanted, and valued.
Some of those hot shots have moved in the last six years that we have lived here, some have not. There were many cat fights and gossip that were among the women when we first moved in and although they still happen, they don't seem to be as awful. It seems that people are more friendly, and I haven't noticed a group of women surrounding a new comer the way they use to.
Still, I would love a change. Even though people like me now, I would love to be in a ward that was unified and loved and helped one another. I want to be in a ward that wants me. I cross my fingers that the ward boundaries will change. Because a move doesn't seem likely.